The Insanity of Castiel
by 4getTHEfear
Summary: Castiel's thoughts while Dean is unconcious after they arrive in Purgatory. Can Cas pull himself together enough to deal with their new predicament?


_**Author's Note: I felt like trying to describe what Cas might have been thinking while Dean was unconscious after they arrive in Purgatory. It's just a one-shot. Enjoy!**_

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**_

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It's dark. Inky blackness surrounds him. And then he's here. Purgatory. He knew where he was the moment everything came back into focus. Dean is with him. He's lying on the ground next to him, unconscious. He doesn't want to think about Dean right now.

_Nobody cares that you're broken, Cas. Clean up your mess!_

Castiel flinches at the memory. He knows what he did. He knows how horrible it was. He's ashamed, feelings of unworthiness having consumed him to the point of insanity. _But that's not true, is it Castiel? You're not crazy. It's all a lie, a stupid, childish way of protecting yourself. Of hiding from the truth. Sure, you took in Sam's madness. But you know, deep down, you're grateful for the excuse to act insane. You're an angel. You could've controlled the madness by now. But you won't. You can't face Dean or Sam. Not after all you've done. What would Father think?_

Cas tries to ignore the treacherous voice inside his head. _Monkeys are much more interesting…_ Before he can get too disappointed over the fact that there probably aren't any monkeys in Purgatory, the part of himself that is constantly punishing him for his deeds speaks up once more.

_You betrayed Dean. You didn't listen when all he wanted was to help you. You ignored his words, and you killed so many. You belong in Purgatory Castiel. You're a monster._

Cas starts to breathe heavily, all of the guilt and the shame and the sadness beginning to emerge once more from his tortured mind. As an angel, any kind of emotion is strongly discouraged. From the very moment Castiel had grasped Dean's shoulder in Hell, he had struggled with all of the emotions that he had been exposed to. That moment in Hell had been a turning point for him. His father had sent him to rescue Dean Winchester. He had often wondered afterwards, if that might not have been the only thing he was meant to save.

The Winchesters had introduced entirely new concepts to him. The power of family and true friendship, for instance. Finding the strength within yourself to never give up, to keep fighting until your last breath. Loyalty and trust. And the ability to choose your own destiny. That no one controls you, that you and you alone are in charge of what happens in your life.

He had learned all of these things. And when he had finally been tested, when it had really mattered, he was too weak. He hadn't trusted Dean's judgment. Dean, who was his _friend_, who trusted him, who had taught him so much about the best qualities of the human race. He had _failed_, allowed himself to be corrupted. He had hurt so many… and now he and Dean were stuck in Purgatory, after his best efforts to, well, clean up his mess. Dean didn't deserve this. But they were here anyway. And he couldn't do a thing about it.

_You're a failure, Castiel. You're God's biggest disappointment. _

"No," Cas whispers. And then, he's somewhere else. He has teleported to another spot in Purgatory, one that doesn't include his best friend lying on the ground unconscious, serving as a constant reminder to Castiel of what he did.

_I'm so sorry Dean._

Castiel looks up at the sky. It's as black as the blood of the Leviathan. The trees stand where they are, their branches pointing at him, _blaming_ him. There's no escape from what he's done. No way to reverse what has happened. The guilt overpowers him, making it so hard to believe that he can do anything to try and fix things.

For a while it had been so much easier to just ignore. To talk nonsense and play children's games. For a time, Meg had even taken care of him. He hadn't really identified the feelings he had whenever he was around Meg. She was a demon. He was an angel. He _should_ be feeling nothing but hate for her, if anything. But morals aside, he had enjoyed it. He focused so hard on the things that were good and in no way related to the disaster he was responsible for. It was how he had avoided this part of him that was so angry and self-incriminating for so long. And now he was stuck in Purgatory with Dean Winchester, both the place and the person being directly related to the tragedy he had caused.

A bone-chilling howl sounded off in the distance. It reminded Cas of Dean. He had left the human all by himself, and he wasn't even conscious. Here he is, feeling sorry for himself, mulling over all of his failures in life, and he's failing once again. Failing to protect the one man left in this world that might still be able to find forgiveness in his heart for Castiel. This realization that perhaps, he wasn't completely alone, that, just maybe, he meant _something_ to _someone _gave Cas the only glimmer of hope he'd had for a long time. He had a purpose right now, and that purpose was to help Dean through this, seeing as they were stuck in this cage together. He had done a lot of things wrong. And it scared the crap out of him. But he was an angel of the lord. He was the friend of Dean Winchester. He had rescued Dean from Hell, and he'd save him from Purgatory too. Dean had always had faith in him, even when others didn't. Castiel had done more than just abuse that faith, but he had to hope that Dean still had enough left in him to let Cas help him. And, if he was lucky, Dean might have enough faith left to even help Cas out a little. This new hope was all Cas had to hold on to. He could still feel the insanity inside of him, tempting him to lose himself again and just ignore all of the bad things. With supreme effort, Castiel shut his eyes and opened them again to find himself standing over Dean once more.

The angel looked down at the human and remembered what they had been fighting for so long ago. He wished they could fix things. He really did. And maybe one day they would. But for now, the two had to find their way back to the world. He took a deep breath of the cool air.

"Wake up."

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_**Did I do okay getting into Cas's head? Please review and tell me what you think!**_


End file.
